THE ULTIMATE DREAMMAKER: The Raj Subrameyer Factor To Turn Toxic Leaders into Extraordinary Leaders
1. Tell us about your journey
I grew up in the southern part of India in a conservative middle-class family. My dad grew up poor but worked hard to support not only my family, but also his parents and siblings. My mom was an English teacher, and after their marriage, she took on the critical role of a homemaker, bringing my brother and I up. I am the youngest of two kids.
From a young age, I developed this inferiority complex that I was not good enough. This was partly because of my childhood upbringing; where my dad was insanely smart, my brother was a genius, and there I was the average kid who did not do well in academics.
I endlessly compared myself to the overachievers around me and was under pressure to emulate them. This also led to a constant feeling within me that I was dumb, I was not good enough, I did not matter, and I was never going to be successful in life. I was the average Joe, (well, in India, the average “Raj” since that’s one of the most common names), and focusing on academics was not really my thing. I had other interests and passions such as playing outdoor sports , hanging out with friends, and asking questions about things I did not understand (I was never really into indoor games, including video games; yes, I am a rare exception for being a nerd).
All this constant comparison to the high-performers around me, and getting rebuked for asking questions made me feel like an outcast. I developed social anxiety, fear of rejection, and shut myself out from other people. Outside, I acted as if everything was normal, but inside, I was engulfed with frustration, anger, sadness, and confusion about my life and identity. I was going through low self-esteem, high self-doubt, and severe body image issues. I used food as a coping mechanism for social pressures and was ridiculed for my weight and appearance throughout my life.
This continued till my 2nd year of my undergrad until I had a trigger event. I still remember this vividly my chest is hurting and the pain is increasing minute by minute. And my, heart is beating in such a fast pace And I’m starting to gasp for breath. So I go into my study room and try to sit down. I can feel my hands shaking, my body trembling, I’m starting to sweat profusely. My eyes start tearing up. And then I can feel the tears trickling down my cheeks. I didn’t know what was happening. And I started noticing that my pain in the chest is slowly shifting to my head. So right now, it’s not just physical pain, I’m having mental pain as well. And it continued for two hours because 20 years of living for other people and blindly following what other people thought I should follow and not thinking independently made me anxious, stressed and depressed. All these feelings that bottled up inside me exploded. And the Pandora box of feelings opened up. And that’s when I realized that I’m tired of living such a life. I was letting other people’s opinions be my reality. I was trying to please other people in that process disappoint myself. And that’s when I made a decision where I decided, I matter. I’m good enough, I can carve my own identity. And I can strive for greatness. That’s when I declared power over my life.
Since then I have transformed my life from a shy-introverted kid earning a minimum salary into a tech career strategist, best-selling author and international speaker focusing on helping people to land their dream job and become successful leaders. I’m passionate about guiding professionals to maximize their opportunities and discover their zone of genius. I also use my experience in the tech industry to research, speak and write about how we can embrace technology and become full-on digital citizens.
2. What advice would you give to those who want to follow your footsteps?
Your childhood trauma’s can help drive you to achieve great things. Use those fears and insecurities as fuel to your growth. But during that journey you need to be cautious about who you become and what you are doing to help people. Make sure you do something that helps to impact people and make the world a better place. Seeing others succeed through your actions is the ultimate joy in life.
I am saying this because I am a perfect example of someone who had to go through a lot of adversities and worked extra hard to achieve success. But during the journey there were multiple instances where I lost track of my WHY? Why am I doing, what I am doing?
Example 1:
Growing up I was always the underdog. People always told me what to do and I just followed. I did things that I did not want to, but I did it anyways because I thought that it will help me live up to people’s expectations, people will notice me and reward me for my actions. But no, it did not happen. I constantly kept disappointing people, as I could never live up to their expectations.
Most of the times I knew some of my actions would be affecting other people and when I asked questions about performing those actions I got reprimanded for it. Because, where I come from in southern India, It is not popular or accepted to ask questions. You need to follow things as they are; because of pressure from family, culture, and society. We have this hierarchical structure of common and you get reprimanded if you challenge the status quo.
Also, from a young age I noticed that if you are in a power of authority, then you can make people do anything you want to. Or at least that is what I thought!
So, when I finally started leading teams, I felt I was in control, I was in charge and it was a boost to my ego. I decided that people are going to listen to me whether they like it or not. Little did I know that my past experiences working with toxic leaders made me act and think like one. I had become a toxic leader.
This led to a series of actions which I started displaying over a period of time, and became a normal part of who I was. I was completely desensitized from them although it was affecting other people and was detrimental to the workplace.
You can realize if you have become a toxic leader, if:
- You start focusing only on people who would be valuable in your future and ignore other people
- In meetings, you support people and decisions which will help your growth irrespective of whether it was the right thing to do
- You hang out only with the “cool kids” and get irritated when someone else who could be a competition to you was interacting with the people you thought would be beneficial for your growth and future
- You start taking credit for other people’s work
- You strategically put yourself into situations where people would notice you
- You act full in public and apologize in private
- You start withholding important information so that people will be dependent on you
I had to get into the place of darkness, isolation and guilt to come out being a toxic leader. Since then, I have transformed my life into an effective leader who has successfully created and led high-performing teams, in large organizations and now help people become successful leaders in tech . Recognizing my toxicity saved my life.
Example 2-
Since 2003, I worked my butt off. I said YES to every opportunity the came my way. I constantly kept overworking myself. In fact, in 2009, I applied for 1293 jobs and got one job out of it. This was in the midst of the recession. Since then I have converted my entry level job into running a six figure business.
Finally in 2018, it all hit me. I was in my bathroom one night and then just collapsed onto the bathtub bruising my head against the wall. My wife after realizing I did not come back to bed for about 25 mins, came to the bathroom and saw me lying on the bathtub unconscious. Somehow, her screaming and shaking woke me up a little bit. I told her I cannot move and she had to drag me to a seated position onto a wall so that I can lay my back against it.
After I was admitted in the hospital, they had diagnosed me with severe exhaustion, burnout and depression. Apparently I then realized that I had put so much pressure on myself to prove people that I am worthy of living and can achieve fame and money. These self made expectations had made me work extremely hard to the point where I did not realize what was happening in my body. My mind was telling me to stop but I just kept on going.
Then after retrospecting my life, I realized I was chasing the wrong dream. I thought money and fame was everything. But, once I reframed my mindset, that I wanted to impact and help people, I got a lot more satisfaction from my job, since I saw other people thrive because of my impact. I also got into meditation. I started using meditation as a tool to gain mental peace, control, and focus. Consuming resources on mindfulness made me appreciate the little things in life that make a difference — like acts of generosity, kindness, and appreciation for having all the things I need to live a life with meaning and purpose. My stress levels and anxiety reduced drastically and started viewing the world in a different lens. The lens of gratitude and forgiveness. (In fact, my wife uses a phrase — “don’t go all Monk on me” when either we are fighting or when I am calm under challenging situations).
I also started following various practices and strategies such as Deep work, Morning and Evening Routines, Focusing/De-focusing, Time blocking, Delegation to prevent burnout again.
3. What is your vision in the next 5 years?
I am not a guy who has a 5 year plan. Because one thing I have learned from my real life and COVID is, your plan ALWAYS changes based on the circumstances. For example — In 2020, I was planning to give 5 keynotes in front of thousands of people, and was going to speak all over the world at about 25 conferences. Then COVID happened and half the conferences cancelled and the rest were virtual. So, I could not impact people on a big stage. So I had to pivot and ended up writing a best-selling book during the pandemic to impact millions of people.
I have had these situations happen time and again in my life. So do not plan 5 years ahead.
But, one thing I can say for sure is that I am clear on my vision for the upcoming years, which is-
- I want to inspire people through my stories and experiences, to help them become leaders
- I want to challenge the status quo and help people shift their mindset from a place of scarcity to abundance
- I want to help people in need who really want to grow in their personal lives and careers
- I want to give permission for others to be vulnerable and deal with their insecurities
- I want to make other toxic leaders come of their closet and take actions towards positive change
BIO:
Raj Subrameyer
I grew up in the southern part of India in a conservative middle-class family. My dad grew up poor but worked hard to support not only my family but his parents and siblings as well. My mom was an English teacher, and after marriage took up the critical role of a homemaker bringing us up.
I am the youngest of two kids. From a young age, I developed this inferiority complex that I was not good enough. This was partly because of my childhood upbringing; where my dad was insanely smart, my brother was a genius, and there I was the average kid who did not do well in academics.
I endlessly compared myself to others around me and tried to live up to unrealistic expectations. All these experiences made me shut myself from opening up to people. I viewed myself as an outcast; I did not talk to anyone, as speaking gave me anxiety. In fact, talking to a girl would make me feel as if I am having a nervous breakdown.
I was going through low self-esteem, high self-doubt, and had severe body image issues. I used food as my coping mechanism for social pressures, anxiety, and fear of rejection. In fact growing up, I was ridiculed for my appearance, and instead of taking steps to get better, I took those comments to heart and let those define who I was.
The moment of truth came during my second year of my undergraduate. I was sitting in my room, and all the 20 years of depression and anger which had bottled up inside me — exploded. The pandora box of feelings opened up, and I let it all out. I told myself that I am not stupid, I am enough, I matter, I am capable of achieving greatness, and I can pave my own career path. This was when I declared power over my life. For more information, visit: https://www.rajsubra.com
